Understand
by CardioQueen
Summary: Cristina, post 4.10 with some mentions of Burke.


Music blared through the living room, loud enough to earn a noise complaint from Seattle's finest- but it wasn't loud enough. Long dark tendrils slapped the backs of her shoulders, her face, and her arms as she moved to the music, tried to drown out her thoughts- but she just couldn't surface. She was surrounded by her best friend, her colleagues and underlings- but she had never felt more alone.

She was dancing it off. With each sway of her hips, she fought to leave another emotion behind. With each wave of her arms, she was building her walls back up. With each bend of her knee and erratic movement she made, she was fighting to forget him. She was dancing _him_ off.

She was fine. She was Cristina Yang. She had an impenetrable shell. She had no emotions. She had ice running through her veins. She was a robot. She didn't let anybody in, and she never let anything out. She was fine. She was fine. She was fine.

Cristina had convinced herself that if she said it enough, she would believe it.

When the music stopped playing, when the alcohol stopped flowing, when silence enveloped her in its arms, and when their empty bed swallowed her up in crests of chilled sheets- that's when reality always took its opportunity to call her a fool.

Cristina was far from fine.

She hadn't needed love before. Truth be told, she didn't even have the desire to share a bed. It used to be less complicated. She'd have sex a couple times then throw them out. She didn't cuddle, didn't utter words of contentment or _attachment_. She sure as hell would've never agreed to get married. But maybe before him, she didn't really _know_ love.

Anybody and everybody knew in the hospital that he had changed her. He had broken down her walls. He had gotten the woman that was so closed off to open up- even if it was just a little bit. He had brought out emotions in the robot. He had proven that there was a heart beating somewhere inside Cristina Yang, even if it was pumping the ice that coursed through her veins.

She had changed for him. She learned to care. She learned that sometimes, other people do come first. He'd made her realize a great many things. She did things for him that she wouldn't even do for Meredith. And he left her for it.

He left her for it, telling her that if he loved her and not the woman that he was trying to change her into that he'd let her go- when just weeks before he had urged her to get back to being herself after the whole fiasco with Marlow. When he had told her that her being the opposite of 'nice and sweet' was more like it. Like that's what he wanted.

None of it made sense to her.

If there was one thing in the world that Cristina Yang hated more than anything, it was failing. And she'd failed at being in love. The only other thing she hated was questions without answers. She had so many questions she just wanted to ask him. So many things she wanted to understand.

Yet she would never know the answers. He was gone from her life, most likely forever. Even if he did come back to tell her, even if he called her or e-mailed her or tried to explain the logic behind his actions- she was sure of one thing.

She would never understand.

Pulling their blanket tighter around her body, she swore she could still smell him even though she'd had it washed a hundred times. Lying there, wrapped in what she was sure was his scent, she began to dwell on the one other thing she couldn't understand. She was sure it was a million times worse than _any_ other thought that made its way through her mind unwanted.

She couldn't understand why if she showed up on her doorstep again, why she _knew_ 100 that she would take him back with not nearly enough fight. She would let him pull her into his arms, she would kiss him back when he kissed her, she would eagerly shred every last bit of clothing on her body and pull him deep inside of her without even questioning what she was doing until it was done. She would do it all in an instant.

She couldn't understand with all the questions in her mind, all the emotions that she'd fought to bury down, after all of the nights swearing she hated him that her feelings hadn't faded at all.

Cristina couldn't understand why she still loved Burke.


End file.
